Step Zero: Admitting You Are Stuck
- Rev. Dr. Chris Holder
- 22 hours ago
- 3 min read
Step Zero – Day 2 – Stuck
You’ve got to get yourself together,
You’ve got stuck in a moment,
And you can’t get out of it.
Don’t say that later will be better,
Now you’re stuck in a moment,
And you can’t get out of it.
–U2 “Stuck in a Moment”
I wrote about this song a couple of years ago when I was planning my mothers funeral. A link to that reflection can be found here: Hug Your Cactus | Stuck in a Moment: Remembering Mom Part 1.
I still cannot hear that song without tearing up a little, though the tears now are mostly happy tears of the memories we had together and the way she still lives through the lives she touched. Now, as we journey through the 12 Steps I want to take a slightly different approach to this song, focusing particularly on the word stuck. Before one can even start the first step—to admit that they are powerless over [something] and that life has become unmanageable—there is what some call a step zero.
Step Zero is generally understood as coming out of the fog of denial and admitting you need help. So the addict—the one whose life isn’t working—is stuck in a situation of their own circumstance. They have tried to deny and deflect that the situation doesn’t exist, or it isn’t that bad. They have tried to keep those that could help at a distance and left a trail of destruction—both to self and others. Stuck then is a great way to describe someone in this situation.
What then can you do for someone who is stuck in a situation like this? Honestly, the sad truth is not much. You can try to help, but that is difficult if one in denial does not want help. It’s easy to become either an enabler, a victim, or both. That is what makes this song so powerful. Bono is lamenting the loss of his friend, imagining if only the friend knew, if only Bono could have had one more conversation to try and set him straight. And yet, even if Bono could have had that last conversation with his friend—or myself with my mom, there is no guarantee that it would have made a difference.
The reality is we can’t always help the loved one who is stuck. But what about ourselves? Going back to Step Zero, we start with being brutally honest with ourselves and our situation. We come out of the fog of denial and reach out for help. If this song teaches us anything, there is likely another person waiting to help. The worst place to be is isolated, alone, trying to sort this all out by yourself. One of the greatest lessons of the 12 Steps is how the program insists that you cannot get better on your own—it must be done in community. You may say, “Well, I have my faith in Jesus, isn’t that enough? Yet, even faith in Jesus is intended to be lived out in community.
Like Simon Peter, we are invited out of the boat to experience Jesus in a new way. Sometimes, we cling to Jesus, worried the storm will overwhelm us. Sometimes, Jesus sleeps on a cushion as the storm rages, and we may wonder if Jesus even cares. Yet, in each of these, Jesus is with us in the storm, of that we can be confident. You could try to face your storm alone, but even Peter needed the community of the other eleven in addition to Jesus. So it’s so much better to find a companion or sponsor or mentor or friend. Someone you trust. Anyone who can handle your real and messy self. Just don’t face the storm alone. Isolation is what kills. Solomon at the end of his life recognizes this reality when he wrote:
“Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken” Ecclesiastes 4:9–12).
A cord of three is not easily broken. A person with true friends they trust and a real community is much less likely to get stuck in the first place. And when they do get stuck, they are much more likely to get out of the fog of denial and reach out for help. So if you are stuck in a moment with your cactus, it’s not too late. Ask for help. Quit trying to do it alone.