Pay Attention to the Dashboard: What Emotions Reveal
How do you feel about a “check engine” light on your dashboard?
Maybe some mechanics get excited about solving a problem, but most people hate seeing that little amber symbol appear in their car. The light is never a good thing. One person I was working with told me that he has an easy fix involving black electrical tape: just put a little piece over the light, and the light goes away.
The “check engine” light is actually a good thing, not a problem. It’s not a problem because it is simply an indicator that a problem exists somewhere else in the vehicle.
Feelings operate like that. Feelings are not the problem, but they indicate that somewhere there is a problem that needs to be addressed. Some people try to be like my friend with the electrical tape and hide them, while others allow the emotions to take over interactions with other people. Neither approach is very helpful.
For a long time, I operated with a couple of inaccurate and unhelpful assumptions.
I should stop my feelings.
I am stronger if I don’t have needs.
The first appears in phrases like Don’t feel bad or You don’t have to feel so upset about that. The intention behind those phrases is to comfort someone and get that person through the negative emotions and back to positive ones. The problem is we don’t have that much control over our feelings. We can manage our reactions, but the emotions are deeper inside us. If I feel broken and alone inside, smiling through the pain is like putting a fresh coat of paint on a damaged and crumbling wall. It may look a little better, but if the cause is not addressed, the problems will worsen. Instead of trying to manage or change our feelings, the better strategy is to notice those feelings and look for the message behind why those feelings are arising. Once you notice those feelings, you can look for the needs behind those feelings.
The second misguided assumption is denying that we have needs. Breathing is a basic need, like food and health, but safety and connection are also human needs. If there are strong negative feelings, some unmet need is driving those emotions. Strength comes from owning those feelings and needs so that you can do something about them. Saying what you need takes courage. Understanding what you need gives you power and can help you move in the direction you want.
In a class I took, we were required to read a book about building emotional intelligence for managers and supervisors in the workplace. One of my biggest takeaways was that Emotions are Information. It was a new thought for me. I thought emotions were problems, the things that keep humans from getting real work done. If I could somehow remove emotion like Spock from Star Trek, I would be able to clearly filter all the correct information without letting my silly feelings get in the way. That’s not true, and it’s not how God made us. God did not create emotions as liabilities that get in the way of people doing real work; they are a feature, not a bug. Our feelings can give us important information if we are willing to pay attention to them.
Next, we have to consider the needs behind the feelings. It is tempting for a ministry leader to say something like, “You don’t need to feel sad about grandma dying. She’s in heaven with Jesus, and you’ll see her again someday.” These words are usually well-intentioned but not very helpful. You may not know exactly how the person is feeling, but acknowledging the feeling and being curious about what that person might need is a better course of action. “I can see that your grandma meant a lot to you. What will you miss most about her?” The feeling might be loneliness, so you can try helping the person feel less alone. Maybe it’s a different emotion, but that posture of curiosity can open the door to learning and helping.
Remember that you will only have capacity to help others with their feelings and needs if you first attend to your own. Learning to observe your own feelings and needs will open up space for the people around you to occupy their own feelings without you needing to stop or rescue them.
It’s not a good idea to ignore a “check engine” light in your car. It’s not good to ignore one in yourself, either.
Thanks for bringing up this wonderful topic that is often pushed to the side in many churches. Emotion is an important topic that our circles often don’t address from a helpful perspective. What you put forward as your old default position is one that is common among many people. The goal should not be like the stoics seeking to rid ourselves of emotion rather our goal as Christian people is to have right emotions which are grounded in value judgments that are grounded in the word of God. If our goal is to have right emotion, I would push back at the idea that we have little control over our emotions. There are many people who would operate in life…