Deep down, I don’t want the gospel to be true…
We all have a problem when it comes to truly hearing — internalizing — the gospel. Deep down, we don’t want it to be true. Let me explain.
The good news of the gospel is that your sins are already forgiven! (Romans 5:6) God has already done everything needed to reconcile you to Him. As far as He is concerned, you are not a sinner but His beloved child!
But there is a big part of me that doesn’t want to hear that. I don’t know what to call this part of me: my shadow side? my old self?
It’s the part of me that doesn’t want to hear I’m forgiven because that implies I need to be forgiven.
It’s also the part of me that in polite Christian company is quick to agree to the theological principle that I — like everyone else — need forgiveness, but my assent to the theological principle is, more often than not, a virtue signal (to myself mostly) that I’m on the right side. That I’ve adopted the correct position. Therefore, I’m acceptable and safe.
See, that’s what my old shadow side actually believes. It doesn’t deny that I sin. It just denies that I’m a helpless sinner. It doesn’t deny that, occasionally, I might need forgiveness. It just denies that forgiveness is the only way to be reconciled to God.
The “good news” according to my shadow side is that progress is possible. With a few prayer-life-hacks, a bit more intentionality, a little extra accountability, the ruthless elimination of distraction, a little more spiritual discipline… I can overcome whatever wound or pride is driving my unpleasant, hurtful behavior.
Which is ironic, because my shadow side itself is driving my unpleasant behavior.
Remember what the true good news is. Forgiveness means that God doesn’t “count” my sins against me. As far as He is concerned, I’m his beloved child!
He’s paid whatever debt my sins earned me. He’s decided not to hold anything against me. He’s even asked forgiveness on my behalf: “Father forgive them for they know not what they do!” (Luke 23:34)
Forgiveness is the only way.
But that feels icky.
My shadow side is afraid of what that means. It means I’m powerless to change.
But surely if my character is going to change, then I need to be the engineer of that change, right? Only I can “do the work” and become the kind of person who doesn’t sin. Who doesn’t need forgiveness?
Except that’s not true.
The gospel is the good news spoken directly to me, “You are forgiven! God delights in you as in His own dear son!” Those words plant the seed of trust in my heart. God’s forgiveness is undeniable evidence that God isn’t a moral tax accountant — He’s a loving father. No matter who I think God is, God himself has decided to be my protector, my advocate, my good father.
God’s not naive. He knows the current state of my corrupt soul, but He’s decided to take responsibility for it. He chose me, adopted me, and is making me holy and blameless in love before him, because that brings him joy and pleasure (Eph 1:3-14).
And forgiveness is just the start. The start of God’s new act of creation, the start of breathing new life into my soul. He “is working in me both to will and to work according to his good purpose” (Philippians 2:13).
What’s my “job” in all of this?
To “adopt the same attitude” as Jesus, who — even though he was actually God — didn’t exploit that fact. Instead, He humbly opened His hands like a servant and said to the Father: “Have your way with me.” (i.e., “Thy will be done” Philippians 2:6-8.)
In other words, my job in all of this is to give up the need to have a job.
Let God forgive me if He wants to. (He does!)
Let God sanctify me if He wants to. (He does!)
Let God resurrect me, call me His beloved, and unite me with Him in perfect joy forever if He wants to. (He does!)
And above all, at least for this life, let Him figure out how to make all that happen! (He will!)
Be like Jesus, who prayed Psalm 123:
I lift my eyes to you,
the one enthroned in heaven.
Like a servant’s eyes on his master’s hand,
like a servant girl’s eyes on her mistress’s hand,
so our eyes are on the Lord our God
until he shows us favor.
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