People Are Hard. You Still Need Them.

I’m an introvert. Like, naturally a crazy introvert. Like, buying-a-cabin-in-the-woods-and-getting-away-from-people, hermit-type introvert.

I tell my congregation this, and they argue with me. “No, you’re not, Pastor. You are so friendly, and you talk to so many of us.” Yet it has not always been that way. I remember my supervising pastor during seminary writing in my report that I really did not talk to people—and that I needed to talk to people.

Two things changed for me: I married an extrovert who pulled me into conversations, and I read my Bible.

I don’t naturally make friends or form relationships because I feel an internal need for them. Quite frankly, left to myself, I would be perfectly content with very few people in my life. I tell my wife repeatedly that if I have her and the kids, I am good. That is true to my internal reality, but it is not true to how God made me.

The more I read the Bible, the more I see that community is essential. It is not optional. It is not something I need only at certain times or something I can be part of when I feel like it. And there are lots of verses to back this up.

Hebrews 10:25a says, “. . . not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another.” I always wonder about the backstory of this. Why did some stop meeting? Who was mean to them or looked at them wrong?

We often look at this verse as an ideal and say, “If people are good to me, then I will gather.” But we have to understand that the people who were commanded not to give up meeting together had broken people around them, too. We gather with broken people because that is who Jesus gave us to gather with.

In Genesis, God puts Adam in a perfect place, with a perfect life and a perfect relationship with God, and the first thing God says about Adam is, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him” (Genesis 2:18).

Let’s do the math on this:

Perfect + Perfect + Perfect + Alone = Not Good

Perfect + Perfect + Perfect + Relationship = Very Good

Now, some of us—me, at least—have the audacity to say, “People are challenging. Let’s just avoid them. Let’s give up meeting together because people are hard.”

If I say that, I am really saying that Adam needed people in his perfection, but in my broken world, I don’t need people. I am saying that I know better than God or that I have somehow figured out a better way to exist.

Of course, relationships after the fall are different. We are no longer bringing two perfect people together. This is why marriage and relationships are hard. Broken people hurt, disappoint, misunderstand, and frustrate one another.  But that does not mean relationships are bad. Hard and bad are not the same, despite our sinful desire to want what is easy. Relationships are hard and messy, but they are also good and essential—even for introverts.

Knowing that we need relationships is one thing. Actually forming them—especially as an introvert—is another.

Go Where the People Are

It seems obvious, but I cannot tell you how many people I have talked to who want a friend but are rarely around people. Stop praying for God to drop a friend next to you on the couch while you mindlessly scroll Instagram, and go make a friend.

And did you know that people gather at church every Sunday—and sometimes even during the week? Stop saying, “I don’t want to go to the event,” or, “That is too early.” If you want friends, you have to go where people are.

Linger Around People

Lingering is awkward, and we have lost the gift of being awkward. No one wants to be the new kid at school who knows no one, but the only way you meet new friends is by being the new kid at school. You can come to church and leave right after, but if you are going to meet someone, you have to linger. I officiated a wedding for a couple who met because they both lingered at church.

You meet people when you linger.

Approach Someone

Some humans have this view: “I am awkward in social situations, and I am not good at approaching people.” So, we sit there and wait for someone to approach us. And then we get mad at them for not approaching us.The truth is, very few of us like approaching others. That is why hardly anyone wants to be a door-to-door salesperson. What you are really doing is expecting someone else to do what you are not willing to do.

Knock it off.

Stop thinking about it like a middle-school dance: “Oh gosh, what if she says no?”

Stop it. Seriously.

Just approach someone.

Keep the Cellphone Put Away

Try this sometime. Walk into a room where no one is on their cellphone and pull yours out. Watch how quickly everyone stops talking to check their cellphones. To most people, pulling out your phone signifies that the conversation is over and you are bored—whether you meant to say that or not. So keep it away. Better yet, leave it in the car.

Ask a Question

People like to talk. The key is learning what people like to talk about. What do you have in common with them?

At church, I have conversations about gardening, skiing, theology, vacations, Jesus, and a whole lot of other topics. Once I have found something we have in common, I have a connection. That makes it simpler to talk about something else in the future.

Ask a Deeper Question

I have found that most people want to have deeper conversations and share their thoughts and opinions. Don’t believe me? Go to social media and see everyone puking up their ideas, thoughts, and feelings.

There is this odd thing in society where we have decided it is okay to do that through a keyboard, but not with a friend. We need to make friendship a safe place to share, disagree, and have deep conversations.

Just Enjoy People

Make a habit of seeking one person out. Invite them to one thing. Find out what they are up to or whether they would like to meet up. They may stay a casual acquaintance, or they may become a friend.Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Just enjoy the people God has put in front of you. If they pull away, that is okay. Try another person. You don’t have to be friends with everyone, but you do need some friends.

You know what is odd about all of this? It is pretty simple. It is just common sense that you probably already know.

Yet you have to actually do it.

That is the genius of it. These are simple steps you can take today.

So, happy friend-making. We all need people. Yes, even introverts.

uniteleadership.org

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