Following Jesus: Wrestling with Bonhoeffer – Part 1

My name is Nate Hilton. I’m a Vicar at Christ Greenfield Church in Gilbert, Arizona. I’m a husband of 18 years and a father of three teenagers. Bonhoeffer should have warned me about teens! I serve in different areas and ministries in the church. I’m also a registered nurse with over 13 years of experience in everything from trauma ICU to home infusion therapy. Ministry and medicine might seem like two very different worlds, but for me, they both come down to one thing: meeting people in their pain and pointing them to hope.

I’m currently finishing up my seminary studies with Kairos University through the Luther House of Study program. As part of my journey, I’ve had the chance to preach in traditional church settings here at the main campus in Gilbert and East Mesa, as well as  La Mesa and Tempe Table ministries that serve the homeless and working poor. These experiences have shaped how I read Scripture, how I preach the Gospel, and how I wrestle with the hard truths of discipleship.

This blog series is part of that wrestling. It’s a reflection on Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s The Cost of Discipleship, a book that has challenged and convicted me deeply. Bonhoeffer doesn’t pull any punches. He calls out the ways we cheapen grace and ignore the radical call to follow Jesus. And honestly, that hits home.

This will be a three-part series, covering ten chapters at a time. My hope isn’t to summarize Bonhoeffer like a textbook, it’s to walk alongside you as a fellow struggler and disciple, sharing what I’ve learned, what I’ve questioned, and where I’ve seen God’s grace breaking through.

Let’s dive in.

There’s a kind of book that doesn’t just challenge your mind, it breaks open your heart. The Cost of Discipleship did that to me.

This is the first of three reflections. I didn’t read this book casually. I wrestled through it. Sometimes with tears, sometimes with anger, and at times, in the middle of the night. Sometimes through prayer, and almost always through conviction. These words aren’t just academic. They’re personal—deeply so.

While reading chapter 1, I felt like I was staring into a mirror I wasn’t ready to face. Bonhoeffer’s distinction between cheap and costly grace exposed parts of me I didn’t want to admit—the ways I’ve excused sin in myself and offered comfort to others without calling for repentance. He defines cheap grace as grace we bestow on ourselves grace without the cross, without discipleship, without Jesus Christ.

And I had to ask myself: how often have I leaned on that kind of grace? Not the grace that changes you, but the kind that lets you keep doing what you want. I’ve preached about God’s grace for some time now. I’ve seen it comfort the broken and raise up the weary. But I’ve also used it as a cover for moments of pride, impatience, and even laziness in my walk. Bonhoeffer wouldn’t let me get away with that.

He writes, “When Christ calls a man, he bids him come and die.” That sentence hit me harder than anything I’ve read in seminary. And I realized I’ve often tried to bargain with the call. Tried to fit Jesus into my timeline. My logic. My safety. But Bonhoeffer says no. Jesus doesn’t ask for negotiation, He asks for everything. One of the hardest things to hear and most freeing in the end was that discipleship isn’t optional…it’s not a calling for “the spiritually mature,” it’s the basic life of every Christian.

Chapters 2 and 3 hit that hard. When Jesus says, “Follow me,” there’s no discussion. Peter doesn’t ask questions. Matthew doesn’t file a two-week notice. They just go. I started to reflect. Where in my life do I delay obedience under the disguise of discernment?

Bonhoeffer says, “Only he who believes is obedient, and only he who is obedient believes.” It sounds circular, but it’s actually liberating. We don’t have to wait until we feel “ready.” We obey because we trust. And our obedience deepens that trust. This helped me name what I was really wrestling with: Not confusion, but fear. Not caution, but control. I’ve delayed obedience in areas of ministry, family, and personal faith not because I didn’t know the right move, but because I didn’t want to risk losing what was comfortable.

In Chapters 4 through 10, Bonhoeffer begins unfolding the Sermon on the Mount, and I started unraveling. The Beatitudes felt less like sweet poetry and more like a punch in the gut. Bonhoeffer paints a picture of the Christian life that doesn’t fit our culture’s definition of success. Meekness. Mercy. Persecution. Purity of heart. I found myself asking: Do I really want this kind of life?

When Jesus calls us salt and light, it’s not a compliment, it’s a calling. Salt has bite. Light exposes. Bonhoeffer reminded me that discipleship isn’t about blending in or staying neutral. It’s about being a visible, countercultural witness to a crucified King. And then came chapters 7 through 10—Jesus’ teachings on anger, lust, truth, and retaliation.

I couldn’t sleep. I woke up at 3:00 in the morning, heart pounding, just wrecked by the weight of the Law. Not in theory, but in reality. I was convicted. I’ve wounded others. I’ve offered cheap grace to myself. I’ve excused sin with phrases like, “I’m just tired,” or “I’m only human.”

But then, I remembered what I’ve preached countless times: the Gospel is for sinners. For the undone. For those who don’t meet the bar. Jesus is the only one who ever lived the Sermon on the Mount perfectly, and He did it for me. That’s the costly grace Bonhoeffer talks about. Grace that leads not to despair but to repentance. Not to perform but to surrender. Grace that cost Christ everything so that it could carry me when I’m flat on the floor at 3:00 in the morning.

This book has shown me that discipleship isn’t about mastering spiritual disciplines or checking Christian boxes. It’s about daily death. Daily surrender. It’s about stumbling forward with Jesus— not to prove anything, but because He’s already done everything. 

I’m still wrestling, but I’m still learning. I’m no longer afraid of the cost, because the One who calls me is faithful. And in losing my life, I’m finding it in Him.

Reflection Question: Where are you holding back from Jesus because the cost feels too high?

Next Up: Chapters 11–20: The Narrow Way, Secret Piety, Peacemaking, and Real Righteousness.

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